Dead are Forgotten Page 23

  When the door closed, Chris waited.

  “Well?”

  Tony’s eyes filled with tears, and he moved toward him to embrace him.

  The hug said it all.

  “You can’t die on me. You’re my best friend. You’re the only family I had when I came here. You have to fight for me too,” he said. “You can’t make me do this every day with someone else. We’re a team. We’ve been a team for so long that I’d have to leave if you were gone. I couldn’t do this without my partner in crime.”

  And there was more love.

  Here was his proof. The bonds he’d made would carry him through the rest of his time.

  Chris began crying.

  He couldn't help it.

  Why had he doubted?

  “I’m going to fight. I’m going to do what it takes. Elizabeth, Callen, and Ethan are in my corner. I’ll get thirty more years out of my body,” he promised.

  “I love you.”

  Chris patted his back.

  “I love you too.”

  “You can’t give up, and you can’t do anything stupid. I know you.”

  “Well, that’s where I was yesterday,” he said, setting him free and going to his medical bag. “I tried to take my life, and Elizabeth found me. She talked me down.”

  Sort of…

  “Oh, Chris,” Tony said. “You should have found me. You could have come to me.”

  “I was shocked,” he said, opening his bag.

  He was a stress eater.

  He needed something sweet. When he was worked up, he needed candy. Maybe if he was lucky, there would be a piece at the bottom.

  There wasn’t.

  Inside he found a bag of dried apricots—his favorite fruit in the whole world.

  He laughed.

  “Uh, you thinking about death is NOT funny,” Tony stated. “Now I’m worried.”

  “Don’t be,” he said, holding up the bag of his new sweet treat. “Jesus. She’s like a freaking wife,” he said when he saw she drew a heart on the bag.

  “Is she marrying you too?” he teased, trying to soothe the churning in his gut over what his friend just told him.

  “I slept with the three of them last night.”

  Tony’s tear-rimmed eyes went wide.

  “WHAT?”

  Chris laughed.

  “Calm down and get it out of the gutter. My sex days are definitely over. I didn’t want to have sex before this, but now…yeah, I’m good. I have to focus on living.”

  “Uh, then clarify.”

  “I was a mess. Elizabeth and I fell asleep. Callen did too. When I woke up, I was in a Blackhawk sandwich.”

  “I have all kinds of totally inappropriate things to say, but they feel really wrong to drop them at this moment.”

  Chris found that funny and handed Tony the bag to share his ‘candy’.

  “Were you really going to do ‘it’?” Tony asked as he munched on apricots with his best friend in the whole world.

  Yeah, he was.

  So, he owned it.

  He told him everything. Then he told him the most miraculous thing.

  “Today, I told her it was wifely, and she did this.”

  He showed him the whole hand on the heart thing.

  “You’re in like Flynn.”

  “What does that even mean?” Chris asked. “You know I never get your sayings.”

  “You’re husband number three, but you aren’t getting laid. I’m going to bet they treat you like a husband.”

  “They told me no sex.”

  Oh, he wasn’t surprised.

  Ethan and Callen were super territorial.

  “Does it matter? She’s going to love you like she loves them, and she’s going to be there for you. You got yourself a wife. I feel like I need to buy you a toaster.”

  Chris was still astounded by that.

  “Do you think?” he asked.

  He didn’t really mind.

  It felt…nice.

  “If you think about it, it’s the perfect thing. The media says you have some kinky foursome. By the way, they said you were into bondage yesterday. I bought you a copy for your ‘Elizabeth sexcapade’ file. I figured you’d like to keep it as something to laugh about when you’re old…”

  And then he shut up.

  Chris got it.

  “Elizabeth said there are people living into their seventies and eighties. I am going to get old, and I’m going to pull that tabloid out and laugh my cranky, old ass off.”

  Tony hugged him.

  “I love you.”

  Chris felt the same way.

  Tony set him free and was back on topic. This was fascinating to him as a friend and anthropologist.

  “Anyway, they are making you one of them. Are you going to sleep with them every night?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe. I’ll play it by ear.”

  “If you get to watch them…”

  “STOP. That’s way wrong,” Chris said, so glad to laugh at something. It felt good.

  Tony grinned.

  “You scored.”

  He was aware.

  “You get a family. You said you didn’t want anyone but her, but fate just gave you a gift.”

  Chris took that in, and it staggered him.

  “Technically, the universe gave me HIV because we know there’s no such thing as fate.”

  That was a debate for another time.

  Tony was focused on the whole ‘sleeping with Elizabeth’ situation.

  “Think about it. You said you regretted losing her because of your stupidity. Now you just got her back. You can’t bone the babe, but you get to be with her until your last day. You get to be with the woman you love, and no one will stop you.”

  He had a point.

  “I didn’t want to die alone.”

  “You won’t. You have two husbands and a wife. Can I do a paper on you?”

  He punched him.

  “Jesus. You got mean by osmosis last night. That’s what happens when you bed down with Elizabeth,” he teased.

  Chris laughed.

  “She’ll kick your ass.”

  Oh, he was aware.

  Still…

  “You got very lucky.”

  “This is crazy,” he stated. “I never saw it coming,” Chris admitted.

  “How do you feel about it?”

  Chris took a second and ate an apricot. As he chewed it, he contemplated the whole thing. Yeah, he already knew the answer. He already knew how he felt.

  “I love it.”

  Tony smiled.

  “And there is your silver lining, my friend. Congrats on getting Elizabeth back. She’s yours again.”

  Tony was right.

  Chris was given a gift.

  Now he was going to see where it led.

  * * * B l a c k h a w k - W h i t e f o x * * *

  Ethan Blackhawk’s

  Office

  Inside, he closed the door, locked it, and he turned the ringer down on his phone.

  Security had brought him the letter he’d had stuffed in his safe that his brother gave him a decade ago.

  His heart was pounding in his chest at what was in it.

  From what Callen said, he knew he was going to hurt when he read the note.

  Only, he had to do it.

  He had to show his brother that he wasn’t that man anymore.

  This was important.

  This mattered.

  He held it in his hands, and it was definitely Callen’s handwriting. It reminded him of that day when he’d told his blood that he was dead to him.

  It had been horrible.

  Then, he was lost in the anger.

  Now…he knew better.

  Holding the letter to his nose, he sniffed it. It still smelled like his brother. Callen always favored a musky woodsy scent. He’d been wearing it since they were boys.

  It was still there.

  Ethan sat, and he pulled his envelope opener out. He sliced through the back
and pulled the letter out. It was handwritten and a piece of their past.

  Already, he wanted to cry for what he’d done.

  He’d turned his back on his brother.

  He was ashamed.

  Ethan unfolded it, and he read the date on the top of the page.

  It took him back to that day when Callen had been braver than him and took that step to reach his brother.

  He began reading.

  He owed it to him.

  ‘My only brother and my best friend in the whole world,

  I am pretty sure you won’t read this for a while, so I’ve dated it. It’s not to remind you of me stopping by, but one day when you stop hating me you might think back to the foolish time we wasted.

  I hurt you.

  I broke your trust.

  I carry that with me today. I know you will never forgive me, and I’ve figured it’s time I pay the price. You wish me dead, and I’m done.

  I can’t do this anymore, Ethan.

  I can’t do battle for your forgiveness. I’m too damaged and broken.

  There’s so much you don’t know about my life before granddad saved me. I was raped. I was beaten, and there were even more things I did to survive. I don’t tell you this so you’ll forgive me. I’m telling you this so one day when you think about me, you’ll understand why I did what I did.

  I never wanted us to end up like this, and I never wanted to be saying goodbye in a letter, but I’m assuming that you wouldn’t see me.

  So, this is all I have left.

  I’m at rock bottom.

  I know I can’t rationalize what I’d done, but I’m going to explain why. When I had sex with her, I was a virgin. I know. I lied so many times telling you I scored, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t bring myself to it. I’d been sodomized and raped, and I couldn’t even go there.

  Then she came on to me, and she told me she’d take care of me. She told me that she’d be gentle like she had with you, and in that moment, I only wanted that.

  I believed her. I needed someone to take care of my heart. I was beyond damaged, and I needed someone to see that in me.

  I screwed up.

  Maybe it was because I’ve never had anything that was mine, and I knew that Kaya was safe. In my defense, I was drunk, I was in pain, and I was weak. I’ve always been the weak brother. From the day we found out we were related by Wyler’s wayward sperm, I’ve always needed you to survive.

  I can’t be alone.

  I’m afraid of the dark.

  I have nightmares.

  I’m terrified of the truth. I was a mistake, and I wish every day that I was never born. I wish to never wake up, and I wish that I never broke your heart. That’s the worst pain. I’d take being raped and sodomized twenty-three more times to have you stop hating me.

  I’d carry my pain to ease yours because that’s love. I have never loved anyone more than you. I love you deeper than a brother. I love you so deeply it’s something I can’t explain.

  I hope one day when I’m no longer here and you stop hating me, that you can believe that.

  I’d do anything for your forgiveness.

  I’d crawl back to my mom’s druggie boyfriend and let him break me to have you back. You mean that much to me. I don’t know why I risked it all. Maybe because I believed you wouldn’t care. We shared everything, and I assumed that if we shared her, you’d laugh and let it go.

  I was wrong.

  I was stupid.

  All I know was it was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made in my whole life. I regret it when I wake and when I sleep.

  Have you ever made a mistake you wish you could take back, but it was so horrible no one would forgive you?

  I’m there.

  So, this is my last chance to reach you. I can say that I’ll never bother you again. When I go home, after your lecture, I’m going to kiss the man who raised us both goodbye, and I’m going hunting.

  I’m going to let him think it was some freak accidental gunshot wound. I wanted someone to know, so when you see him you can save his heart. It’s always so hard to fool the man. He sees everything.

  For me, lie to him. I know I don’t deserve it, but Timothy does. Also, tell Wyler I love him. Don’t let him think that I went to my maker hating him. No one deserves that pain. No one.

  If you can find it in the kindness of your heart, forgive and forget. Give Wyler a chance. He means well, and he’s not unlike me.

  I guess this is my will. I don’t have much. I’m a poor man, but I have one thing that’s of value to me. I have my gun, and it was the first thing that anyone ever gave me. Timothy saved up to buy it, and I cherish it.

  I want you to have it.

  I hope one day when you have kids, and I know you will, that you will teach my nephew to hunt. Tell him about the good times, and warn him about the bad. Anger is dangerous. I won’t be able to meet him, but I hope with my gun, you, and a hunting trip, one day you will be able to tell him about me.

  Thank you.

  I want you to know that I love you. You were my brother for only a few years, but you made them the best years of my life. I was loved. I had my best friend. I felt safe. You ARE the best thing in my life, even though I’m the worst thing in yours. When I pull that trigger, I will be thinking of you. I will be thinking of those nights we stole booze and drank by the river. I will be thinking about the truck we stole all the time. I’ll be thinking about the day we got our tattoos and you told me they would connect us forever no matter what happened.

  I hope that was true.

  That was my happiest day.

  I was finally someone to another person.

  I wasn’t invisible, garbage, and nothing but some perverse man’s fuck toy. I was alive in that moment.

  And for that, Ethan, you gave me the greatest gift.

  I love you.

  I will always love you because you’re my brother. I wish we could have said more than angry things, but not all stories have a happy ending. I hope you find yours. I want that for the man who made me feel more than disgusted with myself.

  You will always be my brother. I will wait for you in the Hunting Grounds until you cross, and I will try to reach you again. Maybe we can fix this there. Hopefully, by then, you will hate me less.

  Forever.

  Callen James.

  The fox.’

  Ethan sat in his chair and wept like a child. It took a lot to break him, but this…this was the hardest thing for him to read. It reminded him of the pain, the anguish, and the things he’d done to his brother out of anger.

  Callen had, for the first time, confessed what had been done to him, and it had been ignored by his ignorance. He’d tucked the letter away, and it could have cost him his brother.

  His husband.

  His happiness.

  It was a big circle.

  Now add in Chris and his willingness to end his life, and Ethan saw the parallels.

  The whole thing hit a little too close to home. Had Callen not sat at Elizabeth’s desk, had she not amused him with the little notes, he would have lost his brother.

  Callen would have taken his life.

  This put everything in perspective.

  The hate.

  The anger.

  All of it was so wrong.

  “Granddad, I’ll make this right. Those nearly two decades of anger will never happen again with anyone. I will be a different man. Help me. Help me show my brothers that I am there for them.”

  He closed his eyes and let the tears continue. In his pricey suit, he wept like a child, sorry for what he’d done.

  His words had broken Callen.

  He would never forget this moment.

  Never.

  Ethan Blackhawk’s fate had nearly changed. It had nearly gone awry.

  It was time to make amends.

  Chapter Six

  Hotel

  W hen they left the brownstone, security was there waiting for them. They divided up, taking Ethan and Chris
to the Hoover building, and Ivan taking Elizabeth and Callen the opposite direction to the secured hotel room.

  On the way there, Callen made them stop for coffee. While he was onboard with helping Chris, and he would, he couldn’t function when stopping cold turkey their ten cup a day addiction.

  He was a caffeine addict, and they couldn’t just go off the rails like that.

  Someone might die.

  Not from the lack of coffee, but from when one of them snapped.

  His money was on Elizabeth. She was not a happy camper without some coffee.

  As they fueled up with the dark brew, Callen held the cup in his hand and cooed to it like a lover.

  “You are my girl. I will never give you up. She is a mean wife for taking you away from me. We have something so special at three in the morning when I’m expected to write a book.”

  She snorted.

  “You have some serious issues. It’s only coffee.”

  “You can’t go one day without coffee,” he stated before she even opened the tab on her cup.

  “It’s mind over matter.”

  He laughed.

  “Said the woman holding the elixir of life from which all good things have come.”

  She gave him a kiss.

  Then handed him the cup.

  “It’s like you don’t know me. When someone tells me I can’t do something, what do I do, Ivan?”

  There was silence.

  And that was all kinds of wrong.

  “Uh, Ivan?”

  “What?” he asked, turning from the front passenger seat to face them. He’d been lost in concentration over Blue and his situation.

  She took the cup from Callen and handed it to Ivan.

  “You look like shit.”

  “Yeah, I know. Thanks.”

  When he didn’t even make a comment about telling her she’d know since she usually did, too, Elizabeth knew something wasn’t right.

  Add to it, that he went back to staring out the window. He wasn’t talking to them, and that was odd. Well, he wasn’t really a talker, but he was the first to insult her.

  No harpy.

  No Bitcharella.

  No evil shrew.

  Nada.

  That couldn’t be good, and she knew it.