Heaven is Weeping (A Croft & Croft Romance Adventure Book 5) Page 14

  “Hey, handsome,” she said, plastering on the fake smile she’d come to hide behind when her heart hurt.

  “Hello, Tessa. Want me to make you a sandwich?” he asked, trying to stay calm. Over and over again, he repeated his mantra.

  He wouldn’t take it out on her.

  He wouldn’t take it out on her.

  He wouldn’t….

  “No, but I can do it for you,” she offered.

  Immediately, it grated on what was left of his nerves, erasing any resemblance of calm that he was struggling to find. “I have it.”

  “We need to talk about something that happened today with my partner,” she said, going for it.

  There was no way to sugar coat what was coming.

  Tessa only hoped he’d stay calm and not leave her. It wasn’t like she did anything.

  Right?

  “Did you kiss him?” he asked, not able to even look at her.

  “What?” Tessa asked, staring at him, horrified that he’d even ask her something so heinous.

  Did he really believe she’d cheat on him?

  They were getting married.

  “You heard me, Tess.”

  It took her a second to get her bearings. “Why would I kiss my partner?” she asked, trying to figure out if she gave some inkling that she’d hurt Paris.

  “Because he’s there with you in the field, handsome, oh, and he has legs. I bet when he wants to make a sandwich he can reach the fucking plates, or better yet, you’d let him do that little thing for you.”

  She stared at him.

  When he struggled once more, trying to reach the dishes, one teetered precariously. Instinctively, Tess reached for it.

  “Stop!”

  It fell from the cabinet, slipping past her fingers to shatter on the tile floor.

  “I’m not broken! You’re driving me crazy, Tessa! Every day, all day, you treat me as if I’m a helpless baby. I can’t fucking take it anymore!”

  The rage erupted from him.

  She didn't know what to say. In all her time with Paris, she’d never known him to curse. He was always sweet and gentle. Now, he looked to be teetering on the edge.

  This was a bad sign.

  She needed him to be the logical one, especially after what she had just done.

  “I’m guessing you’re having a bad day,” she finally said. What more could she offer up?

  “I’m having a bad four months. With each day, it’s getting worse, and I’ve had enough.”

  Her lip quivered.

  Again, it was all her fault.

  While she saw this day coming weeks ago, Paris was finally figuring that out. Tessa had feared this moment, when he’d blame her for losing his legs.

  Her heart squeezed in her chest at the fight that was coming. There was no way to avoid it, but she wouldn’t stand up to him. Nothing he could say would hurt more than the truth.

  He was unhappy and going to leave her.

  Instead of saying anything, she got down on her knees to begin picking up the broken plate. It seemed like the safest thing to do.

  The least confrontational.

  “I said stop! I don’t need you to take care of me. I broke it, and I’ll clean it up. Where the hell is the real Tessa Brass? She used to be tough and badass. Now, I have her evil twin Nurse Tessa. I can’t stand her.”

  His words hurt.

  If he wanted to make her bleed, this was the way to do it.

  “I’m sorry you can’t stand me,” she said softly, getting up from the floor. There was only one thing she could do at that moment.

  Escape.

  Tessa needed to put some space between them. She wouldn’t let Paris see her cry. He’d been through enough, and she actually believed that she deserved his anger.

  She would take it.

  Swallow it.

  Absorb it.

  It was her burden to carry.

  “Where are you going?” he shouted, wheeling after her. “This is exactly what I meant. Before this,” he said, pointing at his dead legs before continuing, “you would have stood your ground. You would have fought me. Now, you only want to rub my legs, do my laundry, and babysit the cripple.”

  It was all she could take. She turned, horrified at his choice of words. She really hated him throwing it at her, and Tessa loathed that he was suffering more because of her.

  “You don’t touch me, unless it’s out of mercy. Do you really think I’m so stupid I can’t tell the difference?”

  She stood there, taking his angry barbs.

  It wasn’t easy.

  What she wanted to do was curl into a ball and protect herself anyway she could.

  “Look at me, Tessa! I’m not the same. Am I merely your mercy project out of obligation? Why are you with some broken cripple?”

  He wheeled closer to her, and instinctually she stepped back.

  “See? You can’t bear to have me near you.”

  Tessa was going to be sick.

  She couldn’t stay there any longer. Instead, she turned and raced up the stairs to escape him. At least up there, she could weep alone and not hurt him more.

  Paris watched her leave, and he couldn’t stop the rage flowing from him. He needed the truth, and if she thought that heading to the unused second floor of the house would cut it, she was mistaken.

  Wheeling to the stairs, he slid down to the floor. Once on the steps, he closed up the wheel chair and struggled to hoist himself, and it, up to the top.

  This wasn’t over.

  Far from it.

  Tessa sat on the side of their now spare, unused bed, staring at where he once lay. All the memories flooded her, as she thought about the times they’d made love, laughed, and shared their lives in that room.

  Like hope, they were dead.

  Like her heart, they were gone.

  “If you thought this was done, it isn't!” he demanded from the door, slightly out of breath. “See, Tess? I’m not helpless. Now, you’re going to tell me why you’re with me. Is it out of obligation?”

  He blocked the doorway, and she had no escape route. Here was where they’d fight this out.

  It was ironic that a room that once gave pleasure was destined to the place where they came to an end.

  As the tears fell, she gave him what he wanted. “I do feel bad, Paris, just not for the reasons you think. I did this to you! Every day, I wake up wondering when you’re going to hate seeing me! I stole your legs. If you didn't try to save me, you wouldn’t be hurt. All the anger, pain, and suffering is my fault. That’s why I’m upset. It’s been four months, and if you had just let me die that day, you would be over me by now. You’d be on your way with life, living, feeling, and walking!”

  He wanted to be sick. In his head, he pictured her lying dead in that puddle of blood. Some of the anger ebbed away.

  It never occurred to him that she would be living in hell too. For the longest time, until that moment, he was trapped in his self-induced pity party.

  “I could have another man, but they wouldn’t even come close to you,” she admitted. “I've never given my heart away before. I never trusted anyone enough not to hurt me. I’m with you, Paris, because I love you more than anything.”

  He went to speak and she stopped him. “No, Paris. You wanted the truth, here it is. You don’t touch me either. You escape from bed in the morning to hide in the shower or the track. Don’t tell me it’s not true, because that’s a lie. You don’t feel the same about me. I can see it in your eyes. You may not admit it, but you resent that day four months ago. It’s hardened you toward me.”

  Was that true?

  Had he hurt her with his moping?

  “When I kiss you, like today, it’s obligatory and nothing more? Really? Well, at least I still try. When’s the last time you kissed me? When’s the last time you touched me? There are mornings when we wake up, and you’re holding me, and the only reason is--its old habit. Once you wake up, you’re cold again. I’m living with a man who is
n't the same either, and I don’t mean the paralysis.”

  “Tess.”

  “NO! It’s true! The day you proposed to me, it was the last one where you felt warm. On that day, when I looked into your eyes, there was love. I’m the one living with a stranger, Paris. Just say it. You hate me. You despise that you made that choice and now have to live with it. Because of that split second, life changed. You’re going to leave me, and I can’t blame you. I’m the worthless piece of flesh that cost you your future.”

  He was appalled at how little she thought of herself. “Tessie!”

  She backed away as he wheeled closer. “You’re going to toss me. I know it’s a matter of time. Why am I being so damn nice? Well, I don’t need to give you any more reason to discard me sooner. I’m trying to stay by your side a little longer, because I’m not strong enough to go out there!” She pointed at the world outside the window.

  Paris really was an idiot. While his IQ was high, his common sense was super low. How had he missed seeing her hurting?

  Oh yeah, he was still wrapped up in having a pity party over what he lost. Unfortunately, he was about to risk something far more important than his ability to walk.

  “I want to touch you, Paris. Do you think I don’t miss the kissing, sex, or intimacy? I do, but how do I say that to you. I’m too scared shitless to ask if you feel anything for me now. When I sit in your lap, I know I don’t turn you on anymore. Just take the kill shot and end it for me. Send me the fuck away, so I can stop waiting for the day you tell me it’s over!”

  She sobbed, trying to get back in control.

  “Tessa, I do want you. I don’t always have control of my lower body. I see you and want to touch, kiss, and make love to you, baby. I don’t want to fail. If I can’t perform there, you’ll leave me for a real man,” Paris admitted, motioning toward the bed. It was the big pink elephant in the room.

  She wept harder at his words. “I’d never leave you.” Her hand went to the two gold hearts around her neck that she still wore. Tessa never took them off, knowing they were the last piece of the old Paris she had.

  “Baby, I would have died for you. Losing my legs is nothing. Losing you, that’s something I can’t overcome. I wouldn’t have moved on in four months, four years, or four hundred centuries. You’re the one, Tessie. You’ve always been the one. This isn’t your fault. All of this falls on the shoulders of Patty Stout when she pulled that trigger.”

  “I was born a mistake, and I’ll die one. Because of me, you’re hurting every day, Paris. You struggle, and I just want to help make it easier. I’m not babying you. I’m simply holding onto what’s left of us. All I have left is making you a sandwich, or folding your laundry. I don’t want to help you in the shower, Paris. I just want to relive those moments where we used to do it together. I can’t fix the past. I can only hold on to the memories.”

  Her tears made him want to break.

  “Tessa, saving you wasn’t a mistake. The only error here was how I handled this. I should have trusted you and been honest with my feelings.”

  She stood there, just out of his reach, weeping.

  “Come here,” he said, wheeling closer to her. Honestly, he didn't believe she’d come to him. If the roles were reversed, he couldn’t say that he would have been strong enough to take those steps.

  It was a testament of his Tess’s will and strength.

  “Paris,” she whispered, sitting on his lap. When she buried her face in his throat, he lovingly stroked her back.

  “It’s okay, baby. I have you now.”

  “Please don’t stop loving me, Paris. I need you so much. I’ll do anything you want, just don’t throw me away,” she begged. “I’ll change! I’ll be better, and I’ll give you all I have! Just tell me how to make you love me again.”

  It broke his heart that he’d driven a strong woman to this level of pain and self-doubt. All this time, he’d been blaming the world, and not the one person who deserved all his hate.

  Himself.

  “Tessie, baby, I do love you,” he whispered in her ear.

  When she pulled away, she didn't use words to show him how she felt. Instead, Tessa took a chance and kissed him.

  It was the kind of mating of mouths that she’d been afraid to share. It was heated, full of love, and showed Paris what lived in her for him. There could be no other man, than the one holding her heart and soul in his palm.

  Paris enjoyed the kiss, praying for his body to come alive. When it didn't, he became frustrated.

  She pulled away, getting worried that she’d done something to upset him. “Paris, I’m sorry,” Tessa offered, trying to get out of his lap.

  Instead, he covered her mouth with his own, refusing to let her hurt because of him. She wasn’t to blame for any of this.

  When he pulled away, he tried to explain. “Tessie, it’s not you. I want you more than anything, so please don’t use a lack of an erection as a barometer of my feelings. It has a mind of its own.”

  Tessa understood. “So, we’ll learn together,” she offered. “This is new for both of us, Paris. You can’t expect it to be fixed in one day, but we can work it out. I’m not with you for the sex.”

  He needed to know.

  “Why are you with me?” he asked, longing for some magic words to ease his pain.

  “I’m with you because you’re the sweetest, sexiest doctor at the FBI. Your brain turns me on, as does your smile, blue eyes, and kindness.”

  She kissed his cheek.

  “Oh, and you’re the other half of my heart. Without you, Paris Archer, I can’t go on.”

  When she wrapped her arms around his shoulders, there was warmth once more. Tessa wouldn’t hate him if he couldn’t give her everything she deserved.

  She was willing to give him time.

  With each day, he was getting stronger. One day, he’d be back. Paris now had his motivation. “I need something from you, Tessie.”

  She stared into his robin egg blue eyes. “Yes?”

  “I know that I’m training with Greyson, and I appreciate all the time he puts in, but do you think you can head into work later during the day, meet your partner then, and possibly train with me?”

  Her heart skipped. “You know I can, Paris.”

  “I’d rather see you in running shorts than the boss. Your legs are sexier.”

  That made her laugh. “Well, that’s good to know. I’m glad I can be motivation to cross that finish line.”

  Paris kissed her again, grateful to have this part of his life back. All it took was honesty. He should have known better.

  “Do you want to eat?” Tessa asked, leaving kisses along his neck. The scent of his cologne and the taste of his skin was intoxicating.

  Here was her Paris.

  He was back.

  “We could have dinner, and then maybe roll around in bed. I seem to be paralyzed, so you’ll have to be on top,” he joked.

  Tessa knew that was his favorite position. Now that he was teasing her, life was coming back.

  “Just for that, you’re making dinner,” she said, getting out of his lap.

  When his laughter filled the room, she almost wanted to weep in joy.

  “And I’m not helping you down the stairs.”

  “Hey! I didn't say I never wanted to have any help! I just didn't want to be babied. There is a BIG difference, Tessie, my love.”

  She laughed, waiting at the top of the stairs. “I’ll carry the chair. You’re on your own.”

  As she waited for him to meet her at the bottom of the stairs, she had an idea. “Can we sleep in our bedroom upstairs again?” she asked, hoping he’d like that idea. The room downstairs didn't feel like theirs.

  “You know what? I’d really like that,” he said, sliding down each carpeted step, much like a small child would as they navigated the stairs.

  At the bottom, she opened up his chair.

  “Oh, and I want to get to know your partner better,” Paris stated. “He’s goin
g to be keeping you safe in the field.”

  Well, shit!

  “Yeah, we’re not partners anymore.”

  Paris pulled himself up into his chair and stared at her. Getting out of an FBI partnership didn't happen overnight, let alone hours later. There were hours of paperwork. That meant one thing…

  “What happened?”

  Tessa weighed her options. While leaving some truth out would seem better, Tessa wanted honesty between them.

  “He called you a cripple, and then grabbed my ass. I lost my temper, punched him in the face, and broke his nose. He had me arrested, and I got three days suspension when Croft kept me out of jail.”

  Paris stared at her, waiting for the punchline. Surely this was some joke.

  Finally, he was able to focus enough to ask the most important question. “He grabbed your ass?”

  Now it was her turn to gawk. “That’s what you got out of that entire sentence? You missed the jail, arrested, and Croft parts?”

  He started shaking his head as he wheeled toward the kitchen.

  “Paris?” Tessa called, following behind him. “Aren’t you going to say something?”

  Oh, he had a damn plethora of things to say. Unfortunately for good old Joe, he was going to hear them from him personally. Where he’d let the cripple part go, he wouldn’t let anyone touch his Tessa.

  “Paris?” she asked again, hoping he wasn’t going to lose it.

  “I’m okay, Tess, but he isn't going to be. I’m going to kill him.”

  ~ Chapter Six ~

  Castle Croft

  After arriving at the hospital, Greyson Croft handled his other agent. Of course, the man was insistent that he didn't lay his hand on the agent. Joe Longfellow was playing a game, and that made Croft want to win that much more.

  If he couldn’t prove what Tessa said, the woman was going to be out of a job. While the FBI tolerated a great deal, they didn't like violence in its ranks.

  Riding the elevator up, he really hoped that Emma was there and ready to help him relax. What he wanted was dinner, maybe a drink, and to listen to her play the piano.

  Croft had missed that the last few weeks.

  Then, he recalled Curtis coming home.